The 8th April 2012...

In the future when people ask "When did you know for sure?".. This is the date I will give them.

On a more positive note...

Just read through my last blog posts.. Blimey I sound like a miserable sod.. Thing is, I am really not at all, I am actually a rather upbeat, positive fella. I merely have a habit of blogging the minorly bad things things recently instead of blabbing about the good.. and things are good!

I have spent much of my life trying to stick to the conventional way of doing things. Recently, however, I have come to understand that this is not for me. I am not a conventional kind of guy. Upon accepting this, I have become even happier. Making connections easier with the right kind of people, focusing more on what is important to me and the people that really matter. I recently found a rather deep emotional awakening in something many people would consider a little strange. I believe it has created an unbreakable bond and given me something that I know I will never lose.

As I said in a previous post, I have been writing again. It started with just one song to try to find a way of conveying something that I could not easily explain. Although the feeling is now clearer, it is in many ways even harder to explain than ever. Having said that, this has resulted in one song becoming seven entirely different songs in the making. May be some time before they are finished though. As things become clearer to me, these songs evolve and take on new meaning.. As does the source.

I know, I don't expect much of this to make sense to anyone... but it will.. eventually, I promise ;p

Have also been putting a lot more practice into the guitar recently. This is of course helping me to build stamina and strength in my arms and dexterity in my hands.. Bonus (K)!

Oh oh oh.. also brewing my own cider, traditional West Country style.. It does seem more likely to turn out just a little more like Scrumpy, which can only be a good thing, although not for my head.

G&K til the end of days,

~Martin

Second Chances??

How about a third or fourth? Some people just do not deserve them, they are not worth your effort!

Broken Promises

You talk of promises as if you made none,
I carried on and did what I should,
Even when your's were all done,
I kept mine as best I could.

It should have been a two way deal,
You do what you like,
Don't consider how I feel,
That stupid 'boy' and his bloody bike.

Now I must think of myself,
I'd have given more than he ever would,
You are not good for my health,
I kept mine as best I could.

Trust Issues

I have never been good with people.. Since I was a kid, I always had problems connecting with people, but I tried. As I got older I gave up trying. There are probably 2 people I have grown 'close' to over the years, people that although they don't really get me, they have never given up trying. I learned to act, try to let people believe I am like them, that I connect in the same way. In reality that has never been the case. It's been rather lonely but I have gotten by. It is not that I don't care about people.. there are several people I care about deeply.. but I just prefer to care for most of them from afar. I am not sure of the reasons behind this, I have just never trusted people, more specifically their motives. I find people will act like they have your best interests at heart, when really they care about no one but themselves and will take the first opportunity they get to screw you over to get what they want.

I recently found a 'friend' who I seemed to be able to relate to right off the bat. I understood them and they understood me. For the first time I can remember, I made a real connection with someone. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt maybe I was wrong about people, that I should give more people a chance. I started to trust people more and feel more confident in my ability to be a normal human being. I was a new person. Sure, there were still things I needed to work on, but it was a fresh start.

So what happens when this person, the person you put all your faith in, the person who showed you that all was not wrong in the world, turns out to be just like the rest of them? They take the first opportunity they get to screw you over and take what they want, with no regard for your feelings... Do you give up, go back into hiding, stick to yourself and trust no one.. or do you keep the faith? Maybe they just assumed that after everything, I would turn out to be like the rest, maybe they didn't trust that I was genuine.. So do I forgive them? Do I condemn them for not having the faith in me that I had in them?

I want to forgive them, I want to trust that they made a mistake and it won't happen again.. but what if they really are just like everyone else? What if I do trust them again and they just screw me over again. I don't do emotions often, but I am capable of getting hurt.. and I got hurt on a grand old scale. Do I risk it again?

Waiting for a sign, something to show that this 'friendship' means as much to them as it does to me. Not holding out too much hope.. things are not looking promising.. C'est la vie :|.

Oh well.. there is still music and food! Love my job.. things aren't all that bad.. I will survive.. DINNER TIME ;p

~ Martin

Timing

Timing sucks!!

When you want something so badly, but you know that going for it now may very well lose you it forever. If you hold on, wait for the right time, then maybe you can have it in the future, even if you can't have it in the same way that you hoped. At least it will still be there. Still sucks though!

Hoping!!

~ Martin

Distanced....

You are right.. Each day it is becoming harder to deal with. But... I promise that whatever is left of me at the end of all this, is yours.

~ Martin