Trust Issues

I have never been good with people.. Since I was a kid, I always had problems connecting with people, but I tried. As I got older I gave up trying. There are probably 2 people I have grown 'close' to over the years, people that although they don't really get me, they have never given up trying. I learned to act, try to let people believe I am like them, that I connect in the same way. In reality that has never been the case. It's been rather lonely but I have gotten by. It is not that I don't care about people.. there are several people I care about deeply.. but I just prefer to care for most of them from afar. I am not sure of the reasons behind this, I have just never trusted people, more specifically their motives. I find people will act like they have your best interests at heart, when really they care about no one but themselves and will take the first opportunity they get to screw you over to get what they want.

I recently found a 'friend' who I seemed to be able to relate to right off the bat. I understood them and they understood me. For the first time I can remember, I made a real connection with someone. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt maybe I was wrong about people, that I should give more people a chance. I started to trust people more and feel more confident in my ability to be a normal human being. I was a new person. Sure, there were still things I needed to work on, but it was a fresh start.

So what happens when this person, the person you put all your faith in, the person who showed you that all was not wrong in the world, turns out to be just like the rest of them? They take the first opportunity they get to screw you over and take what they want, with no regard for your feelings... Do you give up, go back into hiding, stick to yourself and trust no one.. or do you keep the faith? Maybe they just assumed that after everything, I would turn out to be like the rest, maybe they didn't trust that I was genuine.. So do I forgive them? Do I condemn them for not having the faith in me that I had in them?

I want to forgive them, I want to trust that they made a mistake and it won't happen again.. but what if they really are just like everyone else? What if I do trust them again and they just screw me over again. I don't do emotions often, but I am capable of getting hurt.. and I got hurt on a grand old scale. Do I risk it again?

Waiting for a sign, something to show that this 'friendship' means as much to them as it does to me. Not holding out too much hope.. things are not looking promising.. C'est la vie :|.

Oh well.. there is still music and food! Love my job.. things aren't all that bad.. I will survive.. DINNER TIME ;p

~ Martin